Down but Not Out

My lack of effort or drive, whatever it is exactly, has cost me bigtime. I didn't really expect it to happen, but it did. What happened is this: I didn't get credit for one of my courses. I'm not going to bother getting into the specifics (fair or unfair, bullshit class or not?), except the bottom line is that I failed it. Now, I forget if I've mentioned it earlier, but I was heading toward my next clinical fieldwork placement on May 15th. However, that is no longer so, because a requirement of attending fieldwork is passing all previous Occupational Therapy courses. Therefore, when May 15th rolls around, I'm staying home.

I did not see this one coming at all. I was sitting in the computer lab and checking my email and it felt like a glancing blow to the face. I was in a state of shock but trying to immediately deal with it as best as I could. I immediately set up an appointment with the instructor and see what my options are in this situation.

After that appointment, it basically confirmed that I'm not going to fieldwork. To kind of compound it a bit, that was also the day that I was going to the oral surgeon to figure out the details of my wisdom teeth removal for the summer. That ended with me being at Westmount Transit Center, and during that time I actually stopped by and visited with my former Mandarin teacher. It was more or less a pleasant visit. When she asked how I was doing, I said good, but of course it was more like "I'm fucking crushed because I can't go onto placement."

On the long bus ride home, I forget if it was the same day or earlier, I had a long time to think. After recovering from the initial shock of all, I started to think. Maybe this could be a positive event after all. In fact, this could be the best thing to happen to me so far in OT... Yes, failing a course. Why? Because this consequence has given me a sense of urgency and a sense that I do need to apply myself. If in the end that isn't enough, than so be it. But I better not fail because I simply did not put in enough effort, that I couldn't put my mind to it and conentrate on doing the best I could. Me putting in a shoddy effort is insulting to those individuals who couldn't make the program but would have had the attitude and work ethic to succeed. I better not simply take up a spot and waste it.

Of course, I better walk the walk. Its all fun and exciting to do the whole "rah rah" thing but I better start this newfound energy for effort by making sure I pass my next two exams that are coming up... Wish me luck. =D