Aloha...

I'm quite glad I didn't post my last blog because after some rereading I realized it wasn't all that readable. Thats not to say this one will be.

Something seems to have been bugging me for a while, and I couldn't pinpoint it. I've been feeling inconsistent for the year, getting emotions all across the board but with no real reason for getting moody. In the few days, I've come to the conclusion its not one major thing bugging me, but a whole host of the little things thats getting to me. There are the obvious big stressors like exams, but its not just exams. Knowing I have to write them sometimes irks me as much as writing them. And its gotten so hard to want to study since my first semester ever. I'm just tired of well... being tired. If nothing big is getting to me, and its just small things... then WTF? Life could be worse.

I'm tired of a lot of the things I do. Like not working hard enough on the things I should be. I'm really tired of doing things half assed. There are way too many things where I just haven't pushed when I know I'd get on someone else's case for not pushing in the very same instance. And I've got to realize working hard does not mean time spent on something. Working intensely as opposed to running the clock does not yield the same result... If I'm only going to spend an hour on something, it better be a damn good hour now.

I've also been wondering about the debate between genetics and environment (and/or your own will I guess). Now, I'm not going to argue which is more important because I've always thought of an analogy one of my more interesting courses had: Which is more important for music? The person, or the instrument? Its hard to tell because when one of them is missing, there is no music at all. Are you going to make choices because you are predisposed to a certain type of personality? Or does being brought up and being in certain demographics affect the way you make decisions too? ( Such as being brought up in a royal family would mean I'm a prince...) However, since I haven't read about a surefire way to predict every individual's choice in every event, I'm sure we have enough free will...

Also, don't you ever wonder what would have happened if you did choice A instead of choice B say 2-3 years ago? Just one little change in your life could potentially alter everything in the upcoming 10 years. For the people that truly say they've lived a life without any regrets, I don't know how they can do that. I know I've looked back and regretted certain actions, maybe wishing I had risked instead of holding back. Perhaps you're just better off not dwelling on them. After all, you never can know if you truly would have been better off on that tangent. Its like poker, don't dwell on the fact that you didn't stay in and win a pot, how are you supposed to know what cards come out next? But yeah... somebody should invent an alternate dimension machine so I can see what happens.

After briefly looking back at the above paragraphs, maybe it seems that theres a lack of control. Right now I'd like to think I'm having an internal outlook where what I do affects things... but do I sound confident that it works that way? I know its what I do that affects my grades, what I put on my resume etc... but I think I am feeling a lack of control somewhere. But where?

One step closer to inner peace? o_O we'll see